F.M.L.

Yup, F#!% my life, really and truly, this is the kind of experience that I have nightmares about. Not scary swamp monsters under the bed kind of nightmare, the kind of nightmare that is frightening because it is so realistic. Seriously, though if my life were some kind of TV drama, this would be one hell of a cliche plot device. Maybe that's why cliches are so cliche, because they actually happen to much for us to enjoy. I suppose I ought to spit it out now.

My mom knows.

For sure, she 100% knows that I'm a big ol' homo. I know this because I heard her and my dad talking this morning in the living room while they thought I was sleeping in my bed down the hall. My dad read something from the paper about Alison Hannigan, 'best know for her role as Willow, the lesbian witch on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.' In my half conscious state, I woke up because Buffy is one of my new favorite show; it's over the top, witty, clever, and just generally entertaining. My mom responds to be saying quietly that's one of my favorite show, and she had wondered why I liked it so much. She sounds really depressive and my dad apologizes for bringing it up. They're quite for awhile, and I can't here anything as I make every effort to not freak out, since they are in the next room. I'm calming myself down when I hear the thing that really, really kills me. I hear my mom say 'If I would have know this when she was in high school, we would not have spent all that money on Saint----, she would have gone to state school on that scholarship and it would have been at least two hours away.'

What?! Really? Did I really just hear her say that? My own mother would have deprived my of a superior education at a very good school that happens to be religious in favor of a school quite a bit further away because she can't deal with knowing I'm gay. Excuse my language, but What. the. Hell. I never ever thought that she would say something like that even if she didn't know that I heard her. She's not like that, she can't be. She's said before that she would accept and love me regardless of what I did in life as long as I treat others with respect.

A part of me wants to believe that this is another one of those cliche plot devices where I misheard her and she really is just worried about me fitting in at a religious school, and another part of me believes that that is pretty damn optimistic and unrealistic. It just really saddens me that she feels that way. So I spent my entire day trying to act normal while my mom, who is normally kind of depressed lately acted even more depressed and wouldn't say why. I so badly wanted to just say "I heard you this morning, and WTF is your problem?" and other times I felt sincerely like freaking out. I kept my cool though, because I'm still kind of in shock over the whole thing and don't know how to go about it.

A part of me thinks I should just come out and tell her I heard everything, and no, I don't like Buffy because Willow is gay, but because it is witty and unique. Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I have to like all things homo (although the Tara/Willow thing is cute, I also happened to like the Xander/Anya pairing). Well, that would be getting off topic, but the point is that it might be easier now because I'm not telling her something she doesn't already know. On the other hand, she's been depressive lately, and I don't want to make it worse. I also don't think she was serious about the college comment, but if she was, me official coming out could make my senior year of college difficult.

Sigh. I don't know what to do with myself now. Has any one out there had a dilemma like this? Any advice?
Sorry if that was a downer. Thanks for reading though!