Hmm, I think she might have suspicions...

Hey, sorry this is so long. This is mostly my ramblings, my venting if you will. :)

What I said in the last post was not entirely true. My mom might have suspicions now that she didn't have when I wrote the draft of that last post. Part of my suspicions of her suspicions comes just from my own increasing awareness of my homosexuality. For example, I'm more aware of it, so I feel everyone else must be. It's also led me to be more comfortable with my gayness, so I feel I'm probably dropping hints without realizing it.

Mostly though, it's one pretty huge, traumatic hint that I dropped in september.

I was feeling pretty good about myself after having just visited my therapist for a routine visit. As my therapist and I were talking about me having a hard time finding other out people at school, she mentioned in passing that there are these rainbow pride bracelets that glbt people wear.

I went to look at them online and saw that there was a pair for sale for a few bucks. On a whim, I bought them without thinking too much about it. It would have been great if not for one glaring fact. I used an account that sends notifications to my mom's email account.

I got that horrible sickening feeling you might get after you realize you just deleted your term paper permanently from the face of the earth. I held out hope that the order might be discreet, you know just send a confirmation code instead of a description. No such luck. I logged onto the account (I couldn't get into her email to delete it) after ordering and it had in blaring bold letters that I had just ordered a pride bracelet and suggestions for any number of other pride items that I could buy.

That's only the beginning.

I freaked out a little bit after I did that. It's not that I cared so much about my mom knowing at that point that her daughter is a raging lesbian, just how she would come to that realization. After a few hours, I calmed down until I checked my email. My mom had forwarded the cofirmation with the glaring, completely unsubtle all caps listing which said GAY PRIDE BRACELETS confirmation. She hadn't written a single thing with the forwarded message.

Shit, shit, shit, shit. Not good. At all.

I steadied myself. Maybe she didn't care. Maybe she didn't see the title of the email (yeah, right). Armed with all the wishful thinking I could muster, I called my mom to see if I could gage how she had reacted. It wasn't good.

Usually, my mom is really happy to hear from me and perks up when I call. Even if she's having a bad day and can't muster the enthusiasm, she'll vent to me about what's been frustrating her. We're really close like that. No such luck this time.

As soon as she answered the phone, she sounded different, really down. I tried to make conversation, you know just little small talk about a show we started watching together when I was home for the summer. Usually she'll have her two cents on what she thinks will happen next. I got nothing from her. I felt like I was having a one person conversation. I would say something and it would be silent on the other end, which is super weird for her.

After a short while of dragging "yeah"s out of her, I decided to venture into dangerous territory and ask what was wrong. This is the part that really got to me. She said "Nothing you can help me with."

That is sooo incredibly weird for her that I was taken aback, so I really put myself out there and asked if she would like to explain, to which she just said no.

At this point, I was almost 100% sure that she has suspicions and this was her, um, less than positive reaction to those suspicions.

After I finished talking to my mom, I cried a little bit. I probably could have kept my composure, but both my roomates were out, so I cried for awhile (which I very rarely do). Then I crawled into bed for awhile until the roomies returned and I told them about what had gone down.

They comforted me then we went to dinner, during which I got a text from my mom. It said something along the lines of 'I know you mentioned it, but who was the bracelet a gift for?' I had told her, as if in passing that I had ordered a gift for a friend, hoping that I could cover my own ass.

I quickly texted back saying it was a joke bday gift for my friend who jokes that men are too difficult so she might as well turn lesbian. My mom responded with something about how men can be difficult and cited my sister's on again boyfriend as an example.

That was it. In the past almost four months, the issue has not even come close to coming up in conversation. Things are as they were before between us. But that one stupid, stupid, stupid hint that I dropped gives me the feeling that she has suspicions.

Even if she completely bought my explanation, the way she reacted before my explanation of the 'gift' really rattled me. Would it really be that depressing if her daughter were gay? I don't want to depress her, especially with our family history of depression. I also want to be honest with her since we are so close.

I kinda wish she had asked me out right if I was gay. I would have been truthful and then I would have no big secret that I have to constantly guard. She'll never ask though. That's just not our family style, we're a very non-confrontational, passive, people pleasing bunch. It makes for a pretty good relationship with the parents, but can be frustrating, because I have no idea how my mom really feels. Oh, well. At least things haven't changed since then, right?

I dunno, I'm not too sure where to go from here after this verry long post. I guess if there's anyone reading this, you can vent about similar experiences or let me know what you think of the whole messed up thing. :)